Seeing You in the Crowd

Saw you in the crowd. 
You were standing there with other guys; not much talking yet always smiling. 
Goofy smile, silly smile. 
Since that my eyes trained well to look for you. 
It's always been easy for me to find you. 
You look at me, I look at you. 
I don't know what kind of look you give me, but it surely drowned me deep. 
I know this could be wrong, this could be stupid idea. 
As stupid as me waiting for you to come out. 
As stupid as me getting nervous when you're around. 
I can't help but apologize to myself. 
You're nice; nice and dreamy, dreamy and funny. 
You're funny without even trying to be. 
As funny as me complimenting you because you're just total stranger. 
As funny as believing you and I could be something. 
I can't help but keep looking for you around. 
I don't even know your name, or your favorite song currently. 
I don't even know what makes you smiling a lot, or why do you eat so fast. 
As fast as me falling for you. 
As fast as time wasted without you realize that here I am. 
I still remember what you wore from the first time till the last time I saw you. 
I still remember how your voice and laugh sounds, light and contagious. 
As contagious as the disease that makes you paralyze. 
As contagious as thousand smile of angels.

Now I'm scared of the existence and oblivion. I'm scared of what's coming and what's going. I'm scared of what's started and what's ended.

Because I know I'll never see you again once I saw you.

DON'T DO SUICIDE

Suicide? Pasti banyak dari kalian yang tau dan paham apa itu suicide. Yup, suicide is the action of killing oneself intentionally alias mengakhiri hidupnya sendiri atau 'kasarnya' bunuh diri. Is it that bad? YES IT IS THAT BAD.

Lalu kenapa masih banyak orang lain -atau yang mau dibahas di sini adalah suicide di kalangan remaja- memutuskan untuk mengakhiri hidupnya? Hal itu bisa aja didasari beberapa hal yang sangat menekan remaja-remaja untuk suicide, biasa berupa mental disorder sendiri seperti depresi, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, kecanduan alkohol atau narkoba, atau memang dia emotionally unstable. Masalah-masalah yang terlalu berat bagi si korban maupun tekanan orang-orang sekitar juga dipercaya menjadi pendukung seseorang untuk melakukan suicide. 

 I feel like I don't need to write about the ways to suicide because I know you've already known about that, jadi kita skip ya (Iya.) Menurut situs wikipedia 800.000-1.000.000 orang meninggal setiap tahunnya karena suicide. Di Indonesia sendiri, terdapat 31 kasus bunuh diri yang terjadi di tahun 2012, 13 kasus nakibat putus cinta, 7 kasus akibat masalah ekonomi, 8 karena ketidakharmonisan keluarga, dan 3 kasus akibat masalah akademis (http://www.academia.edu). 

Untuk selengkapnya kalian mungkin bisa googling sendiri untuk mengetahui lebih lanjut, I just want to tell you guys, kalau kalian punya pikiran untuk bunuh diri, please don't.

I know how it feels to be alone, feels like nobody cares about you. Ngerasa dunia gak adil dan ngerasa masalah kamu tuh paling berat dari apa yang dialami temen-temen kamu. Atau mungkin kamu ngerasa kamu tertekan, serba salah, atau BAHKAN berpikir you'd rather die.

Just don't. People love you even though they don't show or tell it often. People don't want to lose you. Bayangin aja orang tua kamu yang kerja mati-matian buat bayar uang sekolah atau uang jajan kamu, beban mereka lebih besar, bahkan pas mereka remaja they don't have anything like you have now, yet they get through it.

Count your problems as blessings, COME ON you're not that weak. Berusaha pikir positif even though I KNOW it's so damn hard. Show to those bitches and assholes out there that you're even stronger than they ever thought. If your friends are not there for you, then leave. Go find others who are accepting you, being there for you. There always someone somewhere who will fight for you, who will love you. 

If you did suicide people who love you (Yes, they exist) will sad. Mereka pasti merasa sedih, merasa gagal dan nyesel. They will confused of what did they do wrong of you. Posisikan kamu di mana orang yang kamu sayang ngelakuin suicide, it breaks your heart isn't it?

Hal ini juga untuk menyinggung kalian untuk lebih peka terhadap perasaan orang lain. Don't be mean to others, you'll never know what battle he/she's fighting for. Kita gak tau masalah yang lagi dia jalanin. TREAT people how you want to be TREATED. As simple as that. :') It sucks sometimes people have to be taken away from us in order to appreciate them, but it happens.

Jangan sampe kamu bkal nyesel sambil mikir, "I wish I didn't do that". Regret is a bitch.

I know depression or anything that happens to you that makes you want to do the suicide can't be fixed overnight, even death can't fix it. Please don't. It always takes time, it takes time to heal your wounds, it takes time to be over. Just wait, and try that's the only solution. Cry, swear, scream, take time to be alone, but don't hurt yourself.

I know I'm not even an expert to talk such a psychological thing like this, I just want to share my thought though. Remember when you think you want to do suicide or even hurt yourself, you really think that no one cares, people do care. I care about you, about your stupid silly dreams, about your life goal about your happiness and sadness. YOU deserve to be happy that's your right. It's your time to shine, don't let people knock you down and laugh over you. Stand up, fight up, fight like you're an hungry warrior (well not literally).

HEYYY this is Suicide Hotline Indonesia number  021-500-454 in case you want to talk to someone expert :) 

 

Oh, here's Anna Akana's speak up on her youtube channel about her sister who committed suicide, so heartwrecking; link's down below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvkbHIrrrvU

Stay strong! :) xxxx

 

 

Hey Hi Hello 2014!

Haiiiiii udah lama ga ngepost blog :') ga kerasa 2013 udah berakhir ya. Kalau dipikir-pikir tahun 2013 itu aneh, mungkin karena 2012 the world has ended. Ya gak gitu juga sih sebenernya nyet.

Bicara tentang 2013, hal-hal apa sih yang kita inget banget, yang bener-bener 2013 banget. Miley Cyrus dengan perubahannya yang kontroversial itu? US government yang sempet shut down? Kasus koruptor-koruptor yang kabur ke luar negeri? Iron Man 3, Pasific Rim, Catching Fire? Bayern Munchen yang juara Liga Champion? Gareth Bale the 100M man? Pensiunnya SAF dan (okay) Justin Bieber?

Kira-kira ada ga sih resolusi-resolusi yang kamu bikin buat tahun 2013 kemarin? Udah tercapai resolusi kamu? Atau kamu bahkan lupa apa aja yang ingin kamu capai di 2013?
Beberapa dari orang-orang mungkin ada yang menganggap 2013 itu the best year ever di mana ada pencapaian-pencapaian yang oke banget, lainnya lagi mungkin anggep 2013 itu nothing special.

Nah kita sekarang bahas yuk resolusi/something apa yang kira-kira oke buat dilakuin di 2014 (it feels weird to type 2014 though) ini.

1. NO GALAU
Apa?! Masih galau di 2014? Ahhhh gila looo, move on dong. Jangan galau, kalau mereka emang ga worth it buat kamu, yaudah lepasin. You deserve better. You're young, nice, and maybe lack of romance; tapi jangan galau mulu tiap malem lah!
Malem-malem selalu ngetweet "If only you were here..." "I miss you somat it hurts" "Kangen kamu pake banget" bleh! Hey you can do better than that! Do something yang bikin kamu ga keliatan pathetic-pathetic bangetlah! Buat yang cewe ke salon, belanja, internetan biar up to date. Buat yang cowo ngegym bro, nongkrong, eksis di socmed. Come on, don't waste your time on nothing, you can do this! ;)


2. Speak up
Pernah ga sih kamu selalu mendem apa yang sebenernya kamu mau ngomong? Pernah nyimpen sendiri ide kamu karena takut ditolak dan dianggep freak pas diskusi? Pernah ga ngomong dalem ati apa yang sebenernya kamu bisa ngomong tapi kamu ga ngelakuinnya? NAH, speak up! :)
Maksudnya speak up di sini bukan kamu bisa jadi 'ember' yang ngerocos terus, yang beber-beberin apa yang ada diotak kamu tanpa difilter ya! Omongin apa yang perlu kamu omongin. Ga usah takut sama orang-orang ngejudge kamu. They will judge you if you say nothing anyway. People do judge, you either. Yaudah terima aja. Lakuin apa yang menurut kamu bener. Kalau kamu punya ide pas lagi diskusi, ngomong aja, itu gunanya diskusi. Kalau kamu takut atau merasa 'ga enak' ngomong sama temen kamu tentang hal yang kurang sreg sama kamu, ngomong.
Set your words right tanpa harus offensive. Orang-orang juga seneng kok pasti dengerin opini, saran, komentar, ide, atau nasihat kamu. Tetep, asalkan kamu harus tau waktu, tempat, dan cara penyampaian yang baik dan bener.

3. Be happier than ever
Who doesn't want to be happy?!
Make yourself happy, as simple as that. Do what you wanna do, ride the scariest thing on theme park and scream your butt off, eat your foods, meet new people, make new friends, do the internet thing (well that makes me happy), catch up with old friends, being around your family, taste every ice creams flavour you like, do whatever you want! Happiness is contagious. Kita ga bisa ngarepin orang buat bikin seneng kita kan? Cuma kita yang tau apa yang kita mau. Stop bergantung sama orang atas kesenengan kamu. People do leave you. Don't be trying hard to impress people, if they do, they do. Don't put your self under any pressure. Don't let your self be so unloved; at least make you, yes you, love yourself. Smile more! Hey, your enemies don't like that. :)))

4. Try new thing
Jangan pernah takut buat coba hal baru. They said, "Life begins when you're out of your comfort zone." Just say yes. Cari pengalaman, jangan takut gagal. Toh yang udah berpengalaman aja kadang-kadang masih gagal. Ga ada salahnya memulai sesuatu dari nol.
Pengen nyoba usaha online shop tapi takut ga jalan? Pengen iseng-iseng buat cover di soundcloud tapi takut pendengarnya kena radang gendang telinga? Pengen nyoba bikin blog tapi takut ga dibaca atau takut asik sendiri? (Well that was me) just don't :) toh kalau ga ada yang nikmatin apa yang kamu coba, segaknya kamu tau batas kemampuan kamu sampe mana pada akhirnya. Hey it's fun to have a blog though. I can share whatever in my mind that I couldn't share before; or more fun that some people read it :') 

5. Be thankful
Heeeyyyy things could be worse. Semua masalah yang lagi kamu hadapin bisa aja lebih buruk. Bersyukur aja kamu masih bisa ngeliatin tulisan ini melalui internet lewat HP/tablet/laptop kamu, bersyukur masih bisa akses internet. Stop whining and be thankful for everything you get. I swear your life would be much better if you start appreciating what you've got. 

 That's all. :) That's simple yet hard to do, I know. But hey, let's try together! :D

Smile

"Do you want to know something?"
   "What is it?"
"Do you really want to know?"
   "Stop teasing me. Yeah, tell me what it is."
"I don't! Hahaha. Okay, your smile."
   "My smile what, you creep.."
"Your smile is my favourite type of smile. Silly, confusing because I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not, yet lovable."
   "Haha, stop it. There's thousand smile you could find more interesting than mine."
"But they're not you."

   "Hey I love yours too."
"What hahaha no."
   "I really mean it. Shut up.."
"Okay.. But why? Hahaha"
   "Like what you did! When you're smiling you always can't hold your laughter, I love that. Is everything seems so funny in your eyes?"
"No, of course not! I'm not that freak. I just.. I just, I don't know. Hahaha!"
   "You did it again."
"Did I?"
   "Uh uh.. And yes, you're that freak. You're that weird." 
"And you love me! Hahaha. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just too happy being here with you, I can't even hide my elation and happiness when you're around"
   "You could go to theme park or circus show, you would be happier than ever."
"As long as you'd come with me, it would be perfect. Hahaha."
   "You just did it again."
"Oops.."

I LOVE YOU...TUBE - My 10 Favourite YouTube Channels

"YouTube is a video-sharing website, created by three former PayPal employees in February 2005 and owned by Google since late 2006, on which users can upload, view and share videos." - that's what Wikipedia said. 

Who on earth doesn't know what YouTube is nowadays. As what the genius Wikipedia has told us, YouTube is the website where we can upload videos, watch videos, subscribe the channels, give comments, make playlists, or even like/unlike videos. You can find every type of video you want to watch, from cats to babies, from movies to musics, from romance to pranks, everything.

Honestly I can spend hours watching YouTube videos. You can say that I'm slightly (read: massively) addicted to YouTube as well. So, I'm gonna share to you my favourite YouTube channels. I hope I can help you with this post, I promise there will be no more boring moment in your day.

HERE WE GO.
I'm doing it randomly. The last is not less than others. :)

1. danisnotonfire
    Danisnotonfire is a channel owned by British youtuber, Dan Howell. This channel has more than 2M subscribers. Dan uploads his videos weekly like others youtubers. In his videos mostly Dan talks about random things about his experiences, truth or dare challenge, or does collaboration videos with other youtubers. Most of his videos relate me so much.

  
2. nigahiga
    Ryan Higa is one of my favourites ever! He's Japanese who has American nationality (oh well). So now Ryan is known as American youtuber and his channel has more than 10 million subscriber. NigaHiga is funny as hell. Yup, same as Dan, Ryan Higa also uploads his videos weekly. You should watch "Candy Crush The Movie (fake) Trailer" and "How To Sing Like Your Favorite Artists". You're welcome ;)

3. zoella280390
    Girls power! Zoella or Zoe Sugg is one of many British youtubers. She's so pretty and adorable as you can tell from her photos down below and from her videos in her channel. She's beauty guru, so you can find much of girly-thingy on her channel such as make up and fashion haul and month favourite. But not only beauty stuffs she talks most of the time, she does collabs with other youtubers as well. My favourite is when she does collab with his brother, Joe Sugg.

4. dicasp
    Caspar Lee is South African teenager who sometimes talks to camera. That what his twitter bio said. Yes, he is South African. Why is he white? Well you just can't ask people why they're white! Hahaha. Dicasp means Director Caspar. He is attractive, adorable cool guy known as a slut. He moved to London last year and currently lives in LA. His channel contains collabs videos, interview videos, and other random funny videos. My favourite videos of Caspar are when he took selfies with strangers and when he prank called his mom saying that he got a girl pregnant which is quite hilarious. Also he has second channel called More Caspar, the link is featured in his main channel. Caspar has been my most favourite so far. :)

5. Troye Sivan
    This Australian guy was born in South Africa. He is actually an actor in movie called Spud (which is such a good movie, you should watch) and he is a good singer. His channel which just reached 1M subscribers recently, contains random funny videos, collab videos and his songs covers. His coming out video is the most watched video in his channel and beside the contain of his video, the next best thing is his outro. Oh, and I don't know why but I feel like Troye Sivan reflects me so much.

6. MarcusButlerTV
    Another British youtuber, Marcus Butler. Marcus has such a unique intro in every video and he uploads every Friday. His channel has 1,5M subscribers and for his celebration of his 1M subs before, he uploaded his rap video to his channel, named "I'm A Rapper". You also can find random funny videos, collab videos, and challenge videos in his channel. He has another channel that contains his daily vlogs (video-blog) at More Marcus.

7. TheFineBros
    This YouTube channel is different with others, created by two brothers, Rafi Fine and Benny Fine. Their channel contains kids-teens-youtubers-elders reacts-which are I recommend to you to watch, narrative web series and some spoilers. TheFineBros has more than 6M subscribers and more than 1 billion video views.

8. HISHEdotcom
    HISHE or How It Should Have Ended is a channel that presents animated parody videos of how the films or movies should be ended. I love this channel so much, beside it's funny, hilarious, confusing and mind blowing yet it gives you so much more other perspective that you haven't thought before. HISHE has 2,8M subscribers. My favourites are how Harry Potter and Iron Man should have ended. 

9. our2ndlife
    This is collab channel of American youtubers. They are Connor Franta, Ricky Dillon, Sam Pottroff, JC Caylen, Trevor Moran, and Kian Lawley. They upload their videos each day from Monday to Saturday. Every week they have different theme. Their channel is so fun to watch everyday. 

 

10. Jacksgap
      JacksGap is a channel that the Harries twin, Jack and Finn have. They are British and their channel contains collab videos, random funny videos, and their adventure to many places. Currently Jack and Finn is working on their new videos when they had journey in India to charity they held. Their videos also fun to watch, and you GIRLS, yes you should check their videos. Thank me later. 

That's all! I hope you enjoy their videos as I do. Make sure you subscribe to your own favourite channel so you will be noticed if they have uploaded new videos. 


Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee ;) 

Once Again

Do you ever get the feeling that this life isn't yours?
It's just like you have no control what to do, how to do.
You just have no idea how the earth go spinning around,
but you, you're going nowhere.

For many times I say to you,
It wasn't me.
Maybe some devils took away my soul,
Came into my body.
Then they said what you don't want to listen.
They do what you don't want so see.
Or I can say, it was me being the devil for myself.

I did what I shouldn't've done.
It's like I want you to look at me, but I turned my head everytime you do.
It's like I want you to find me, but I lost myself everytime you do.
 
You always asked me does anything go wrong,
I always said it's nothing.
It's nothing because it is.
I can't even understand what it is.
I can't tell what goes wrong.
Maybe it's the world, or maybe the universe goes wrong.
It's harder to explain when you know nothing.
So, it's nothing.
Because when I lied to you,
Told you I was okay, somehow makes me happy.

I'm really sorry.
I wasted 'first chance' I had,
At least that's what most people called.
Even though I'm pretty sure,
The first chance is not a chance, is a gift.
A gift you should cherish.
A gift filled by promises you should keep.
A gift people should not waste.

Can we start over again?
Can you reappear to my life and be stranger again?
Can we just introduce ourselves to each other again?
We can relearn what we have gone through.
We can retell jokes that have made laughed our butts off.
We can re-do everything.
We recreate our memories once again.
Just once again.

I'm really sorry.
I lost count how many times I said this for you.

I'd tried with someone else, one maybe two.
I'd tried to distract myself with something else, hobby or pleasure.
But I never feel the way I felt.
With you, it's different.
It's just like a beautiful deep poem that everyone can't understand.
As you said to me, poem is just scars transforming into words.
It's just like diving into the ocean thinking you can catch every fish, but you can't.
As you said to me, "There is plenty of fish in the sea, but you're my Nemo."

I really like every thought you share to me every late night.
And I really hate the fact that I spend this few nights with my mind empty.
It just makes me sleepy and can't sleep at the same time.

Therefore I don't need someone else,
I don't need anything else.
I just need my second chance.
Or maybe I should call it 'my second gift'.

I don't need anyone else but you.

Letter 3 - Pumpkin & Ethan

Dear Joanne

Hi J,
It's been hectic today! I just have took a bath and right now I'm sitting on my bed and listening music from my laptop.
Today I went to pumpkin patch with my mom. She decided to make pumpkin pie,
you know I'm not a big fan of pumpkin if it comes to food.
Pumpkin is just perfect to be carved hahaha!
So after the dinner I just ate half slice of the pie, and I just went to the fridge to grab my cheesecake I bought yesterday.
You know what, J, the leaves are changing into a little yellow, it's so pretty.
Ah, after I went to pumpkin patch, I went cycling to the park to take some photos there. 
Though it's windy and so chill, there's a few kids playing on the playground. 
So I just sat on the bench and sipped my hot chocolate I bought at the shop.
After that I started hunting photos. I shot some photos of kids playing cheerfully.
I kept taking photos until I saw a guy through my camera lens.
He brought a cool camera and came closer to me.
I must tell you, the guy is quite cute. It made me so blushed when he was coming closer,
he asked me that am I taking photos around here.
I was so embarrassed I just nodded like an idiot and asked back to him.
Of course he said yes, silly me.
He asked me if I can hunt some photos with him in the forest,
and of course I said yes.
He looks nice. His name is Ethan. 
He is funny, he makes me giggle every time, and he takes such great photos!
And you know what? He gave me his numbers, so I did the same.
You'll like him too if you could meet him I swear.
And now I'm browsing to his photo blog, I can't believe he uploaded the picture he took which there's me in it.
Well this is kinda awkward, there's me giggling with my hair was blown away which is awful.
Talking about me in the photo, I really hope I could take photo of you.
You will look beautiful with yelow-ish leaves as your background!
I miss taking picture with you.
If you could look at your photos I took last time at my blog, 
there are some strangers said that the model is really gorgeous,
and I proudly said, "That's my best friend." ;)
I MISS YOU HEAPS :(
By the way, Ethan just texted me whilst I writing this letter,
he sent me some photos he took and all of them is me.
I don't know what to reply, well actually I took him too in my photos.
I'd better not mention that to him, I'm such a creep. Haha :(

OK then,  bye :)

Love,
B